EXcuse me Wooster, hey your team is fine.

The weather these past days has been scorching.  Friday morning as I lumbered out of bed and into my typical sweat ridden jean and into my favorite hurdling tee, I realized I needed to get away.  The heat, work, the city...there was just too my on my mind.  With a little good fortune Clare called at lunch with an invitation to hit the Oregon coast.  Perfect.  Though the coast was not exactly was I had been scheming up in my mind in the last few hours at work; over cast, windy, highly populated, foggy...it was sufficient.  A nice get away from the "veggi patti's" that have dominated my summer.  This morning Clare and I rose early to beat the traffic and rode highway 26-E home, getting Clare in, in time to spiffy up before pursuing her wonderful summer occupation outside being adventurous with me.  I checked my watch as a rounded another coastal curve at 60 mph.  It said "8:43."  The same digital font that revealed the time, delivered me with the realization that I have been secretly dreading all summer.  After grimacing at my stop watch for a moment and forgetting that Whitney and I have the same one, I told Clare that they all arrived at Wooster yesterday.  They probably met at Kate house for baby cakes too.  They are moving in.  Setting up their rooms.  Moving their belongings out of climate controlled storage units. Hugging each other.  Laughing at themselves.  Possibly planing a trip to Hurslers.  Maybe Whitney and Chelsea will wear their thrift store purchase, I mean milking uniforms.  I bet they blared "Excuse me Mama" in the locker room.  And maybe the first years went back to their respective dorms and listened to "Ironic" as they bathed modestly.  I bet they did that same loop on the golf course.  I bet coach stood their and smiled, arms crossed, eyes pondering, then his hand might have moved to his pockets as he loomed over the first year girls that gathered in a circle, leaching in every awkward one.  The girls who thought about wether to arrive in running clothes or their typical street garb.  We want to do everything right the first time.  Make our first impression.  I remember what I wore on that first run.  As I rounded more curves, I think it became apparent to Clare that I wanted to be there.  She said it will be fine, or something like that.  Then I remembered oh yeah...I am leaving for Europe on the first of September.  By then I presume I will have forgotten my pity sorrows this morning.  But for now I'll listen to "Hand" and cry.  Just a little, not trying to be too dramatic here...

my life be like

If you haven't been in touch with my lately, I am sorry.  You, my friend, are missing out and I think you should immediately rekindle our relationship.  Yes you, that is not my obligation.  I find myself ever so interesting and encourage you to read about my life on this blog.  Well, not really.  However, for the next year I am going to be gapping.  In other terms, I am taking a very deep breathe off school or I am taking a gap year.  For those of you whom I have really lost touch with; I will brief you on my years.  In short, this is my life story.  After being promoted from Village Play School to Stephenson Elementary School and then to St. Mary's Academy I finally received a diploma.  It was beautiful, framed in blue and complete with Pat Barr's autograph.  That piece of paper tucked under a smooth sheet of plastic was definitely worth the 15 years of intense schooling.  I graduated from St. Mary's with a masters in knowing how to be a student and have no life and decided to become a member of the class of 2011 at The College of Wooster.   Proceeding my first two days at Wooster I was passionately in love, with the college.  Then I was faced with  a series of questions and a plethora of deep thinking sessions I decided that I wanted to take a gap year.  I don't know too many people that have taken one, but, at the time it sounded like a good idea.  And well, after about three months of summer workacation I am still passionate about pursuing the objectives set in my noggin when I signed that pink sheet of paper that declared my leave of absence from Wooster.  So, here I go and please follow along if you feel so inclined (but really this blog is for me to keep track of what I am doing with these months).  

Dear Diary, today

March 26, 2008

To Claire and Any Else In The World Who Cares To Read This,

As I meandered through the halls of New York University (NYU) and smelt the perfuse scent of-pot I knew that I was in the right place.  Not at NYU, but at Wooster.  As I sat in a dorm room in front of a Hoya basketball game at Georgetown University and listened to a guy in the room say “oh, we already have one of those” when a Mercedes commercial came on the television; I again knew I was in the right place.  Not at Georgetown, but at Wooster.  Back here at my little prairie like oasis we know if people are in their rooms if the door is open.  And we watch car commercials longing to one day own a vehicle that is propelled by something automatic and not our feet, everything we ask for does not show up on our front lawns.

Recently I have given myself time to allow my mind to aimlessly wander.  Maybe I have given myself too much space.  This past September on the first day of class my advisor had us write a short piece discussing two questions; how we chose Wooster and why we came.  The first question was easy, but the second questioned remained unanswered.  I receive a check rather than a check plus on that assignment.  A failure, I know.  However, now reflecting back on it I am sure those few lost points did not affect me too much in the grand scheme of my first year seminar.  And maybe that check will allow me the time and space I need to determine why I am in college.  As I rode greyhound buses from Wooster to New York to DC to Boston this spring break, I sat and gave myself countless hours to think and let my mind wander.  I suddenly found myself smiling and squirming in my seat.  In the midst of the soda stained floors, which you had to pry your feet off of after every step, I had come one stride closer to determining why I am at college.  My answer was anticlimactic, I am sure, but it made me uncontrollably excited.  I honestly have absolutely no reason as to why I am in college.  I want to be here and I have absolutely loved being here for the most part, but still I have no reason as to why I am here.  I do know one thing and that is that I need space and time to mature.  Maybe in another year I wont know why I am in college.  But, the same innate instinct, which, told me to come to Wooster, and not Earlham or Gettysburg is telling me that I will know or have some inkling.  Maybe I will even have an idea of what I want to major in.  But, I am not counting on it.  The essence of the idea that made me so excited in that highly uncomfortable seat on the way to DC is that I need time to explore, think, branch out, live, work, grow, and again mature. 

            I have noticed recently that there is a lot going through my mind, not just social issues and not knowing what I am going to major in conflicts but larger and more significant problems.  I don’t have time to simply think forever.  I have noticed that sometimes I walk past a heads up penny on the street and wont event change my path to pick it up.  I once raced down a mountain to pick up a dollar bill that I had spotted from the chair lift.  Maybe other people noticed that dollar bill too however, no one else toke the time to claim it as there own.  I use to pass pennies on the street and spend time making a complete fool of myself flipping the penny over with my foot, if it was tails up.  Recently I haven’t been giving myself time to flip the pennies.  Think of all the opportunities I could have created for myself if I hadn’t passed up on all those pennies, I might have saved enough to buy myself a pack of gum.  In my current state it is not pennies, which are going to make me grow, but it is time.  Time is what I need and want from college.  Time is going to create opportunities.  I feel as though Wooster has countless opportunities but I don’t know how to take advantage of them because I don’t know what I want. Wooster has even made me appreciate the “Times New Roman” type font and not the clean cut “Arial” which happens to make papers a little longer and is also the font I always selected in high school.

            Last year as I eagerly mailed in application after application to various colleges I thought about taking a year off.  My Mom and Dad had encouraged it and were very supportive of the concept.  But, I couldn’t get my mind off of anything besides arriving at college and arranging my room.  Red, pale yellow with accents of plum is the color scheme.  At that point I was only ready for college and not ready to take time to expand my horizons.  And looking back on it I really wasn’t ready to explore the streams of my life.  Last year I stood before my class at Baccalaureate and said a prayer in which I encouraged people to allow their minds to wander and to always remember to take deep and conscious breathes. I wasn’t ready to do that then, but I am more than ready now. 

            I don’t know what I want from the next year of my life.  However, I don’t see that as a problem.  I know I want to work for different people, walk unknown territories, and sit in new seats.  And I know I now have the confidence to do just that.  I am an independent person who is often happiest alone in unfamiliar areas.  As long as I only make right turns I will always find my way back home. 

Love,

Claire Riggs Miller

ps.

I am not going to be in college next year.  I am taking a one year leave of absence and will return in the fall of 2009 as a member of the class of 2012.